By Cassidy Dover: "To Complete, Not To Compete"

Where has this off season gone?  I am sure I have not mentioned to any of you my offseason mission.  Usually I spend my time focused solely on my family.  What's best for Ray or for Sheridan?  How can I maximize the time we have together? Even during the season I will drop things to jump on a plane to be there when Ray is called up or if Sheridan is just in need of "Daddy time."

I don't tell you this to hear you say,  "way to go Cassidy."  I know most, if not all, women do this.  It's part of how the world works.  Well this offseason, the week of Thanksgiving, I decided to embark on a goal that seemed really insurmountable to me.  I work out on a regular basis.  I don't enjoy it, but I do enjoy eating, so about 5 days a week I head to the gym and get my sweat on.  I wear my heart rate monitor to make sure I know how many extra calories I have that day so I can splurge within reason.

My weight fluctuates between "pleasantly plump" to "strong and in shape."  Back in the day, when I was younger, I was thin.  No doubt about it.  I wore a size 0 or a size 2.  Yep.  I have pictures to prove it.  Last summer I was wearing about a size 12.  I wasn't thrilled with that, butit was what it was.  I began a weight loss program and lost some weight.  I got down to about a size 8 I'd say.  Then I hit that plateau!  Now in years past, the plateau was equal to my giving up on myself.  I don't look too bad at my heaviest, so why am I killing myself to lose weight?  When I'm heavy for me, I'm average.  It's not terrible  So I hit the plateau and I hit the cookies and the ice cream and the french fries.  Then, when I've gained enough weight back I get frustrated and the cycle happens all over again.

So in October I hit the plateau.  Now I could blame it on Ray being home with us.  Suddenly we were eating out a lot more.  I was working out less because I just wanted to spend time with him.  I wasn't gaining weight, mind you.  But one day I went out for a run.  Let's call it what is was, I went out for a jog/fast paced walk.  I'm sure there are those out there who could have walked faster than I was going, but I was out there with my mp3 player and my running shoes and moving at a pace where my breath came labored and my heart rate approached 81%. I went 5 miles!  Wow!  I felt great!  I came home, sat down and signed up fora 1/2 marathon!

One should never sign up for a race on a runner's high.   I now know that.

At the time it seamed like a great idea though.  I'd have time to train (7 weeks) and I'd get in some great shape.  Right?  Well almost immediately I regretted my choice. I have never run more than those 5 miles in a row.  Seems like it's a bad idea to set such lofty goals for oneself.

I called a friend and roped her into training with me.  She's crazy.  She'll do anything.  She'll keep me honest.  As I struggled with my training, my friend was posting on her Facebook page how great her training was going.  Each week she seemed to run further and further.  She'd never done this before either. What was wrong with me?!

As I'd run 6, then 7 then 8 miles my mind would wander.  I'd think of how Ray must feel when he's in spring training trying to win a job out of camp.  The climb for him must seem like an uphill battle sometimes.  He knows he's capable of accomplishing his goals, but things are often out of his control.  Putting one foot in front of the other, that's entirely in my control. So I would push on.

Then sometimes I'd think of Sheridan sitting in school.  Every day she is challenged to learn something new.  She's currently working on her reading fluency.  She has her good days and her bad days.  She has those days when I just about scream at her for not wanting to read her 20 minutes to me and I can't understand why it's so hard for her to do.  Then there are those days she'll ask if she can read to me in the car to and from school because she's "feeling it" that day.

Again, pushing myself for one more mile, or 20 more minutes, its something I can do.  It's something I chose to do try to do.  I see Sheridan and her determination and I think, "If I expect it of her, I need to expect it of myself".  I push on.

The two of them, when my voice in my mind says, "You're not going to make it.  It's too hard" are what I use to motivate me.  How can I expect them to do things when I don't hold myself to those same standards.

There are days when I tell myself, "Cassidy, just put in the miles today.  Who cares how long it takes."  After those runs, I usually feel pretty good that I did it.  Then there are those days I say, "Today Cassidy, you need to finish 10 miles and do it in 2 hours."  Those days aren't easy for me.  I'll be honest, I haven't done that yet, but it's OK because I do finish 10 on those days. I push myself out of my comfort zone and I finish.

It's so similar to Ray's career.  He has gone to the ends of the earth to play baseball.  He has done it because he loves the game.  But he's also done it because he needs to in order to pay the bills.  He doesn't always play in the best parts of the world.  There may be blackouts, political unrest, a language barrier, but he goes.  When he's there he'll do his best.  Each game he goes out there and sets a goal to win and to pitch the best game he can pitch.  Sometimes, he's successful.  He comes out on top and he receives the accolades that he has imagined and envisioned.

Then there are those times that he isn't able to pull through (you've read about one of those games).  Who knows if it's mental or physical or a combination of the two.  Sometimes, it just doesn't work out.

For me, running is very much a mental game.  There are days when I literally have to talk out loud to myself.  I must look like that crazy person who broke out of the mental health hospital.  I 'll say, "Cassidy, you can do this.  Mind over matter.  It's the wall.  Push through!"

Then there are days, like today, when I envision crossing the finish line this weekend, and tears roll down my cheeks.  I was told I had to figure out what I was running for.  That at some time the running for weight loss won't be enough.  I've found, through my hours, my weeks, and now my months of training, I'm running for a myriad of reasons.

I'm running because Ray never could (come on, I have to do something he can't do!). 

I'm running to show Sheridan that we can accomplish things we may think are impossible for us to accomplish.

I'm running to remind myself that I am stronger than I think I am.  I can do more than I believe I am capable of doing. 

I am running this race to complete it.

Sometimes you don't need to be in an event to compete.  Crossing the finish line changes who you are.  So as I begin my journey on Sunday morning with my friend at my side, I know we won't finish together.  I'm perfectly happy knowing that.  I will be taking a journey that, once complete, will have changed me - even if it only changes me in my own eyes.

Thank you for reading,
Cassidy

Cassidy Dover has been a baseball wife for more than 10 years.  Her husband Ray, currently in the minor leagues, has spent part of 7 seaons in The Show.  To read more of her columns, just click HERE.  Cassidy lives somewhere in America with her daughter Sheridan.  Right now, they're probably waiting for Ray to come home.