By Cassidy Dover: "You Don't Want To Know Me This Month"

Jimmy told me if I had any Cassidy Dover urges to send them his way. If he only knew this is what I've been working on. Maybe he wouldn't have asked me!

You don't want to know me this month. Actually, you don't want to know me for the six weeks from mid-February to the end of March.  My good friends don't understand completely but forgive me unabashedly every time I get ridiculous over a minor incident. Those that don't really know me that well and aren't from the world of baseball think I'm overreacting and not appreciating the life I have. And then my friends in baseball are going through similar experiences and emotions to mine. Some can appreciate my stress levels, some cannot, but each is experiencing her own level of stress and change that is Spring Training.

Tonight I had an amazing surprise. A friend I haven't seen in almost six years called me and said she was in town and had the evening free. I packed up Sheridan and told her she was going out for a girls' night dinner and not to complain. Many times during dinner as my friend and I tried to talk, Sheridan would interject and complain. I finally told her, "Please, just behave. I'm sorry you have a mommy who has no babysitter for you and that you are here! Just let us talk!"  She did. Ultimately she fell asleep.

I met my friend one summer during Ray's career. She was in baseball on the operations/front office side of things. We are the same age and became quick friends because she was SO real and easygoing and yet connected enough to the game to understand there is no luxury in a life where you retreat to an empty (before Sheridan) one-bedroom apartment alone night after night.

As we talked we got past the polite discussions and then got real. We reminisced about people we knew, where they are now, and how people and things change. Then we talked about how everything can also stay the same.

How can I even explain it to you all?

Ray is gone. Not that Ray is home all that much, but he's gone. And he's not gone for a short trip to play baseball and come home in a few weeks to spend time with us. No, Ray is gone now and working towards being away from us for another 6-7 months. That can be really tough to handle. I would love to have Ray with us. He is really missing so much and we are missing him. Our family feels really fractured this year for some reason. I want Ray to succeed more than anything in the world. I want him to succeed for our family and for himself. Ray has put in his time day in and day out year after year. He's living his dream and loving every minute of it.

I know that if he could he'd love to get paid to be a dad and stay home with us. But he doesn't. He gets paid to play baseball. Like it or not, this is the life I signed up for. It's just not as easy as I make it seem (this is written with intended sarcasm!). I'm at home with Sheridan and dealing with the good and the difficult. I have our schedule down to a "t" but I get tired! I would love to be a planner. I would. I've learned though that I can't plan anything ever. If I plan that Ray will begin the season in AAA, he'll make the team. The opposite could be true. Or Ray could end up getting traded (unlikely at this point in our lives) or picked up by another team. There's no way to know. I literally cannot plan my next month because I honestly have no idea where we may be.

Those friends I have in baseball generally know where they'll be. They are either established big league families or they are career minor leaguers. They may have had an invite to camp but at the end of the day really don't expect much as they weren't called up last year. For us, Ray was called up. He did a fine job for his team. So it's a gamble. The "if's" are like sliding doors deciding where our lives may be in a few short weeks.

Yesterday I went for a run in the rain. Sheridan was at religious school. I had 2 hours of time to go and run. I put on my headphones and set off. The music was great. I was doing really well on time and decided to push on. I noticed the gray sky and felt the drips of rain fall, but wasn't worried. I was enjoying pushing myself and feeling the oxygen move through my body. Then the sky opened. Suddenly I was in a downpour and the wind picked up. I could see the trees blowing and the leaves crossing the street. I knew the rain was cold, yet I couldn't feel anything. Suddenly I felt, literally, like God was raining down on me. He was enveloping me in His love and covering me with strength and courage to face the weeks ahead. Those 2 miles I was somewhere else and my feet were carrying me.

There are also other factors this month that drive me crazy. There are the fans. They write blogs. They have their opinions. They will support who they want and cut down those they don't. Some are in favor of my Ray. Those are the easy ones to read. Then there are those that are against him. The reasons they have for not liking him are ridiculous. They can turn any situation to fit their likes and dislikes. Again, they are opinions. I know to give each of those what they are worth, but they still hurt. Everyone tells me I shouldn't read them. Just ignore them. Don't let them have power over your emotions or they win. I'm supposed to remember they are faceless, nameless people who are writing about people they don't know and making judgements that ultimately do not change who Ray is or what his fate will be at the end of this month.

Ray is my husband first. Second, he is a baseball player. I, of course, think he's great. I do realize he isn't the most talented guy out there on the field. However, he has a great work ethic and can get the job done on the field as well.

I remember when Ray was young there was usually a veteran guy on the team who was there to teach the younger guys the intangible parts of being successful. Could Ray now be that stabilizing force? Do those that write these blogs know something about baseball that over the past 15 years I've missed?

So this month my mind is partially at spring training with Ray. Then part is here with my family. Sheridan can get caught in the crossfire. She will be taking too long to get something done. Any other time of the year a stern reminder will generally fix it. Not this month. She can take twice as long to get things done and I have 1/2 of the patience and so she's yelled at. I know she's missing her daddy and can sense my stress level but in the moment, my ability to step back from my emotions is limited.

My run in the rain was needed. I needed to be reminded that things are out of my control but that doesn't mean they are a loss. Although the rain could have upset me, it did the opposite. It helped me to appreciate the beauty found in the gray. The water drenched me, but I felt the weight and it wasn't too much to carry. I may have been chilled, but I knew I could go home, shower, and get warm. It was temporary.

Then my visit with my friend, I needed that too. Her own life is filled with questions and craziness. She had great adventures to tell me about as well stories about others that put my own concerns into perspective. My friend and I talked about those souls that are lost. You know the ones. They seem to have the perfect life yet something else takes over. They retreat to drugs, to alcohol, to other women or men to fill their voids. We talked about how if you want to have a life in professional sports, you have to find a balance between your faith and your ego. See, to be successful, you have to believe in yourself to the point where you are the greatest. You must be full of who you are and what you are capable of. Then you must also have the other side. You must know that your talents, while belonging to you, are not your own. They are given to you. Your faith must remind you not to be to boastful and too full of yourself.

When a player or wife or family can let go of how baseball affects them and remember to let God be in control and to ride the wave of the unknown, s/he is able to stay grounded and in control of their life. I'm not so good at that part, the giving it up to God and riding the wave of the unknown. I pray to be able to find peace in the playlist I allow in my mind. I pray that I can, one more year, ride this wave of the unknown and be kind hearted. I pray that I can find happiness in the fact that once again Ray is in Spring Training, pursuing his dream, and no matter where he ends up at the end of the month, he is a success because he loves what he does and we are able to live our life by his vocation. I will pray on this every night for the next month.

My days may not be calm as I try to control what I can't control. Arguements are sure to come of it. I will put on my running shoes many times this month in an attempt to temper my emotions (seriously, in November that wouldn't have come out of my mouth - maybe I would have eaten some chocolate or had a beer or two to temper my emotions, but now it is truly a run that does the trick). So you don't want to know me this month. I'm sorry, in advance, for my forgetfullness and my short temper. I'm sorry for being difficult and needy all at the same time. I promise, in April, I'll be in a better place. I'll have some clarity. Until then, Let it rain on me from time to time. I need the reminder that He is in Control. Maybe that reminder can help me to let go a bit this month - but I wouldn't count on it!

Thanks for reading,

Cassidy

Cassidy Dover has been a baseball wife for more than 10 years.  Her husband Ray, currently in the minor leagues, has spent part of 7 seaons in The Show.  Cassidy lives somewhere in America with her daughter Sheridan.  Right now, they're probably waiting for Ray to come home.