By Cassidy Dover: "Torn"

The way our family has chosen to live, can be difficult at times.  I mean, Ray is in another city than Sheridan and I are.  For the most part the difficulty is that we miss him.  I may get tired of being on my own a lot, but really it’s more of an emotional difficulty than anything else.  Yet, what happens when something happens to Ray?  I mean, when that phone rings and the person on the other end of the phone says, “Mrs. Dover, this is Jim, the trainer for X team.  We thought you would want to know that Ray was hurt tonight.  He’s on his way to the hospital.” 

What do I do?  I don’t want to upset Sheridan however I need to get to Ray.  I start to make phone calls.  Ray says not to come out.  He’s fine.  I can’t imagine staying away.  Friends rally.  Amazing fantastic people.  They don’t even ask why I need them to do the things I do, just ask for clarification of when and for how long.

I come up with an excuse to tell Sheridan.  “Daddy has a big meeting.  His agents want Mommy there.  I’ll be put you to bed tonight, leave in the middle of the night but be back to put you to bed tomorrow evening,” I tell her. 

I go over who is doing what for her.  I go and call the school letting them know Sheridan is going home with a friend.  I write instructions for each person that is helping me out with the phone numbers of the person who is responsible before them and after them.  I ask each to call me to verify that Sheridan is ok and on her way to where she should be.  I send an email to her teacher telling her I’ve never not been there when Sheridan woke up in the morning and have never not taken her to school in the morning.  I apologize that she may be out of sorts.  Then I shower and climb into bed. 

The day has flown by.  Oh, and during the day, Ray calls to say the doctors asked why I wasn’t there with him.  Nice.  I’m feeling like a failure as both a mom and a wife.  I wish I could be in two places at once!

I call Ray a few times during the night.  He’s tired but not sleeping.  He says he’s happy I’m coming to see him.  Ray is never one to act scared.  This scares me.  I try to remember to have Faith, not Fear.  Fear is what will take me down here.  I do have Faith, too.  Ray is in great hands.  He’ll be fine.  I get up when it’s still dark in my house and wash up.  I put on some yoga pants and a loose-fitting top.  I grab a sweater and a book.  I give Sheridan a kiss and tell her I love her.  My friend has snuck in and is sleeping in the guest bed.  I leave a note to say, “Thanks.”

I drive to the airport on deserted roads. I go through security and it’s so easy.  I realize in six and half years I’ve never travelled alone.  We board the plane.  As the plane taxis I cry silently.  I hate to be leaving Sheridan.  I worry about how she’ll be.  Then I feel scared for Ray.  I want everything to go smoothly today with his procedures.  I’m feeling torn inside.

As the plane lands I grab my phone and call the friend who is taking Sheridan to school. She says Ray already called to talk to Sheridan.  Sheridan tells me the same when I speak with her.  She sounds great!  A real adventure for her.

Then I call my friend who is picking me up at the airport.  She’s waiting to bring me to the hospital.  My mind shifts from Sheridan to Ray.  I call him and he says the doctor is waiting for me to get there.  He wants to talk to us both.  Then my cell begins to ring and bing.  Everyone it seems is texting me and calling to see how Ray is.  I try to ignore most of the people, just letting his mom and dad know that I’m not with him yet and that I’ll call them when I know more.

We get to the hospital and I am escorted to the room where Ray is waiting.  I think it’s the first time I realize, and I’m thankful, he’s a baseball player.  They are treating me, I think, with extra care because of “who my husband is” and this time, I’ll take it.

I walk in and put a smile on my face for Ray.  The nurses say the doctor wants to come in. He comes in and asks if we understand what’s going on.  When I say I don’t the doctor goes into a long discussion and basically, scares the sh*t out of us!  I again try to be brave and joke around.  It’s because when I look at Ray I see his cheeks are wet.  He’s scared.  When you live your life on the edge you always worry your career may be over.  When a doctor is giving you a solicaquey and potential diagnosis as we had received, you start to believe it is.

“Don’t go there, Ray” I say.  “We are fine.  Faith Ray.  We are where we should be right now.  The best doctors are caring for you and they are doing this test to explore.  They can’t confirm what they are thinking without it and there is a possiblity the test will be negative."

“I know.  Just no one had told me any of that yesterday,” he said.

As the nurses walked his bed down the hallway I gave him a kiss.  I told him to Thank God and to believe that He was in charge.

“I love you more than you can know,” Ray said.

I smiled, blew him a kiss and walked to the waiting room.

I made some calls to the parents leaving out the scary and telling them the lenghth of time we’d be waiting.  Then I called a friend from college and I began to cry.  I was able to let my guard down and cry.

There were two women sitting at a table and the older woman says, “Sometimes it helps to talk.”  I tell them what’s going on.  The other woman had worked at an office that specialised in the reason we were there.  She had a lot of answers I needed at that moment.

As the minutes turned to hours, the doctor was nowhere to be found.  I began to get anxious.  Then he came out.  “Mrs. Dover, Ray’s tests came back negative."  I have never been so relieved in my life!  I look at my watch and realize Sheridan is done with school.  I call my friend who is picking her up from school.  She says all is great and not to worry.

I go in and spend time with Ray.  He is waking up and I tell him the great news.

As the afternoon goes on Ray is admitted to the hospital for the night.  I can’t stay overnight.  I have to get back to Sheridan.  I go to the airport and again, begin to cry.  I am upset to be leaving Ray behind.  I wish I could stay and be the one to help him that night.  Then, as the plane moves towards home I begin to think about Sheridan.  How was her day?  Did she do ok?  Does she suspect anything?  I can’t wait to see her and hug her!

That day was so hard.  I absolutly felt like a failure in each aspect of who I am and what I do.  I was short on the wife side of things - Ray was alone for half a day before I could get to him.  Then he was admitted to the hospital to be cared for by strangers because I had to board a plane and go home.  I felt like a bad mom because I had to leave Sheridan all day.  I couldn’t be in two places at once.

Emotionally I was torn between the two.

Then I try to remember to be Thankful.  I had the friends to care for Sheridan.  I had the means to fly to Ray on short notice. The doctors who cared for him did all they could.  Ray was healthy.  The day had been quite a success.  If only I could feel like one myself.  This is a side of being a baseball family that is often missed. We live apart.  Generally, not a big deal.  But when an injury occurs, this arrangement tears us apart. Or maybe, it just reminds us of the fact that no matter the distance, we are still together.

Thanks for reading,
Cassidy