I'm Loved, I'm A Superstar, I'm Going Bald
"It isn't fair," I say to myself quite often. No, it's not. But it happens, and I must live with the fact that the baseball hat will soon have to be my best friend. Either that or the bandana. Watch:
How could I let this happen? You know that, as a superstar, I should be exposed to treatments and a lifestyle the "common man" doesn't have access to. But I'm not alone.
There are others who are going through what I'm going through. It's awful. It's terrible. Then again, we're multi-millionaires many times over. It can't be that bad.
This is related, so bear with me: When I pitch, I need facial hair growth. I always have needed it. "Why," you say as you continue eating your corn chips. Then you swallow.
"Well," I retort, "I just need it."
You nod and reach your hand (not washed, or even rinsed, after your last trip to the bathroom) back into the bag of Fritos.
As a starting pitcher for 18 years in the bigs (that's my abbreviation for "Big Leagues"), I pitched every 5th day with 3 days of facial growth on my face. It just felt...right. And I had great success with it.
Now, I pitch out of the bullpen. I'm a relief pitcher. Yet I get no relief from the problem pitching two days in a row, or 4 days in 7, does to the equation of facial hair growth to day of pitching. See this:
OLD STARTING PITCHING FACIAL HAIR GROWTH ROUTINE
Day 1: Shave
Day 2: Shave
Day 3: Do not shave
Day 4: Do not shave
Day 5: You pitch today, do not shave, enjoy 3 days of facial hair growth
Rinse and repeat if necessary (I always did).
I'm no mathemetician, but I can do the math for that above. But compare it to today's pattern:
NEW & IMPROVED RELIEF PITCHING FACIAL HAIR GROWTH ROUTINE
Day 1: Pitch, do not shave - Oh no, when did I shave last?
Day 2: Pitch, do not shave - I'm lost! If I shaved 2 days ago, I don't have my 3 days!
Day 3: No Pitch - shave - Okay, I can start over.
Day 4: Pitch, but you don't know you're going to pitch so when it comes time to shave, you're not sure if you should or you shouldn't. Then again, you shaved the day before so why shave today? Then again... AHHHH!!
See what I'm saying?
"Why don't you just never shave and get a trimmer?" you say with a smart grin, tiny speckles of chip residue resting under your lower lip.
It's not the same. A trimmer. That doesn't change the fact that I no longer have 3 days of facial hair growth. Yes, never shaving but employing the use of a trimmer would give me the appearance of 3 days growth, but I'd still know the truth. And I can't handle the truth.
"Grow a goatee."
No. You know who grows goatees? Bald guys.
"Jimmy Scott, if you're so worried about baldness on your head, why not just shave it like lots of other cool athletes?"
You say that with such ease because YOU'RE NOT BALDING LIKE SUPERSTAR PITCHER JIMMY SCOTT!
Let me tell you something. If you had to worry about:
- Going bald on your head
- No more easy math for 3 days of facial hair growth
- Throwing strikes to men who weigh 230 pounds and would love to hit a baseball toward your face at 125 miles per hour
- Dealing with people who claim you should use a "trimmer"
- Growing a goatee to make people not focus on your balding head
If you had to worry about those subjects above, you wouldn't shave your head for this one very simple reason: Now I have to figure out how often to shave my scalp. Do I do it every few days? Does "stubble" on a scalp look dumb? How will I look under my cap if there's no hair at all sticking out? Will it slide off when I reach back to put a little extra pepper on my slider? Oh God, I don't throw a slider! I forgot because I'm distracted because somebody told me to shave my stupid head, grow a goatee, and pretend everything is fine!
You people. Just let me be. Let me have my balding head and call a physicist for help with the relief pitching days to facial hair growth equation. There's an answer there, and I'm going to find out what it is. I must. I will.
In the meantime, may I have some of those Fritos? I'm hungry.