USA Cares, iFungo.com, Bats & Making Things Right

I reprinted an email last week from my best friend at the great organization USA Cares, Kim Moorman, about what they were trying to do for some soldiers who were coming home from the Middle East.  Read it HERE if you didn't get a chance.  It's a good thing.  Meanwhile, I was originally hooked up with Kim through Garrett Berger, the former #1 pick by the Florida Marlins who now runs a cool baseball supply company called iFungo.com.  (Listen to Garrett HERE if you like.  It's a very good interview he did with me for Jimmy Scott's High & Tight.  I made his mother cry.)  Garrett put some thought into the Kim Moorman/USA Cares project and developed something on his own called The iFungo Ordinance Bats.

"Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy," you run the risk of saying out loud to nobody nearby.  "I don't know what this is.  You can't just say 'Ordinance Bats' and expect me to act, or react, or go back to sleep.  You've got to give me something concrete - but not a slab of concrete, ha ha, because it's so heavy.  No, seriously, Jaime, I need you to illuminate me.  My brain is dark.  Can you make it right in there?"

I'm so happy you asked me about being concrete.  I was going to get all abstract for you and pretend I was John Lennon, all LSD'd up on LSD and give you references to Alice In Wonderland and cellophane taxis with looking glass, um, stuff.  But your request for concrete-ness has inspired me to give you what you want. 

But...

You know what?  Why should I put into my own words something Garrett already put in his own words?  Wouldn't that be a lot easier for me?  And if I tell you these are Garrett's words, then it's not like I'm plagiarizing him.  I'm just saying, "Yo, wassup?  Jimmy Scott here with a few words by Garrett Berger."  You dig?  I bet you do.  (Do you like it when I write Hippie?  I bet you do.)

Henceforth and hitherto, I am now going to reprint for you some words which I did not write, but am reprinting, thus the first use of the word "reprint" in this finely structured and wonderfully written sentence (which is an original sentence; steal it and face the consequences).  So, with no more ado, here's what Garrett Berger, iFungo, USA Cares (and mention of A Glove of Their Own, remember that?) and you can do for our troops not only overseas but right here at home. 

Wait a sec.  Hold the phone.  Just in case you suddenly tune out, I want to give you the top reason why you have the priviledge to read this baloney today.  You see, 50% of the profits from the sale of these bats go to USA Cares.  Let's work this out.  A bat costs $80.  If Garrett the Bergermeister makes $40 per bat, then USA Cares gets $20 per bat.  Multiply that by 555 bats and Garrett's fine company can donate $10,000 to USA Cares.  That's $10,000 for United States soldiers.  Pretty cool, huh?  It gets cooler.  I pulled out my trusty abacus and did some more math.  If he sells 1000 bats, he can donate $20,000.  If he sells 25,000 bats he can donate $500,000.  And, just for kicks, if he sells an infinite number of bats to the 5th power, he'll get to donate more than a gazillion dollars and also buy you a box lunch.

So whadda ya think?  Now, there's the matter of Garrett's press release.  You've got access to it below, but I think his product page at iFungo does more justice for this project.  Read this stuff:

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iFungo.com proudly presents our new line of commemorative bats, "The iFungo Ordinance Bats."  Let your soldier know that you support them by adding a personal message to their bat!  Line 1 is for name and rank.  Line 2 for Personal message written in script.  Tell them, "You miss them," "You Love them," "We miss you dad/mom," or even "Kick some ass!" 

Soldiers you can purchase for your significant others/family and leave a bat in your absence!  If you purchase for your son or daughter they will even be able to use the bat in your honor during their wood bat amateur baseball games!

50% of the profits will be donated to USA Cares, a charity for military families in need. 

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There.  I think we're all square with what's a goin' on here.  So just like I pulled out my abacus, you pull out your wallet and give Garrett a call at iFungo.  He'll sell you a cool bat and you'll own a cool bat.  To find out more, go HERE.  To read more about this, don't go anywhere.  Just let your eyes wander a quarter inch below this very last sentence:

THIS VERY LAST SENTENCE

You know what?  I removed the press release.  "Why, Jimmy, why?" you belch.  Very simple.  It looked awful.  "What?"  No, it was written very well.  There were verbs and sentences and paragraphs and plenty of deep meanings to read into.  But the format when I copied it and pasted it here didn't work.  So, you as a reader had 5 choices, 2 of which I'll state here.  1.  You could read something messsy after THIS VERY LAST SENTENCE (above).  Or 2.  You could read this, what you're reading now.  I chose for you.  Go to the website.  Click HERE.  You'll find the info you need.  You don't need some stinking press release to tell you what to do.  You're smart.  You found this, right?  Right?  The answer is Yes.