Three Stages To An MLB Wife's Self-Actualization

What kind of title is that?  It sounds very Woody Allen-1970s era lingo.  I should perm my hair and wear plaid pants and swing the hula hoop around my waist.  But there's a reason for this 1970s-style column title.  I pulled a book off of my shelves the other day.  I hadn't read it in two or three years, but I was going to be speaking with Rene Taubensee, wife of former Reds/Indians/Astros catcher Eddie Taubensee, and was looking to ask her semi-intellectual questions.  (You'll hear our interview in early-September.  And yes, my mind kicked some serious gluteus maximus.)  The book I pulled down was called (and still is) Home Games.  It was published in 1983 by two former baseball wives, Bobbie Bouton (ex-wife of former pitcher Jim) and Nancy Marshall (ex-wife of former pitcher Mike, who was the first interview here at Jimmy Scott's High & Tight).  The subtitle of the book explains the content perfectly: Two Baseball Wives Speak Out.

What did they speak out about?  Mainly, it was about how much their husbands cheated on them.  There was more, of course, but the infidelity was the main juice. 

The writing style the two wives took was unique.  They would pretend they were pen pals from 1963-1982 and we would read the letters they would have, and sometimes did, send to each other during this time period. 

It all starts innocently enough, Bobbie & Nancy both excited about the future and how their husbands were trying so hard to be great at baseball and earn a living.  But both players are not the quite types.  Jim Bouton writes the very famous Ball Four, which breaks the locker room code of "what happens here, stays here."  And Mike becomes active in the fledgling Players Union and goes to school for his doctorate, eventually questioning the philosophies of his coaches to the point of distraction.  Each man has great success (Mike wins the 1974 Cy Young Award) and horrible failures.  As they change, so do their marriages.

And, according to Bobbie & Nancy, both men stray into the beds of other women.

Which brings us back to the mood watch/Richard Nixon/Lava Lamp of a title, Three Stages To An MLB Wife's Self-Actualization.  Each woman in the book grows as well.  It's not just the men's lives that shift.  Gradually, Bobbie & Nancy learn about what's happening in their marriages and what kind of people they want to be in dealing with the infidelity.

In a letter in the book dated February, 1977, Nancy has a brainstorm.  For the first time, she explains to Nancy the how and why of the baseball wives.  How does a baseball wife deal with the cheating?  And why?  As she writes, "I've lived through fourteen baseball seasons to date, and have had a lot of time to observe wives, and I see the same pattern repeat itself time and time again."  She goes on about three stages wives go through; that is, if they make it through all three.  The three stages of an MLB wife's self-actualization:

True Believer

Knock On The Head

Realism

In Nancy's "True Believer" stage, she explains this is where a baseball wife realizes that husbands fool around on the road.  But, while they admit it happens, they also state that their husbands are the exceptions.  Newer wives belong in this stage and women with small children, too busy to think about this stuff.  Wives can stay in this stage for years, according to Nancy, partially because the husbands put on a good act, even admitting that they've seen other ballplayers fool around.  Of course, Nancy writes, they state they would "never, never, never consider behaving similarly."

As time passes, the wife begins to question the stories more and more.  Like anything, if you hear it over and over again, you may start to believe it.  In the "Knock On The Head" stage, the wife doesn't publicly (to friends or family) admit what they've come to believe: My husband isn't just reporting the cheating, he's becoming the story.  Trust in the marriage rapidly disintegrates.  "And that's the hard knock on the head," Nancy Marshall writes.

Still, in Stage Two the wives aren't fully sold on what's happening to their marriages. They blame other elements for their husband's straying, like groupies or their own preoccupation with kids or moving again.  But the husband's lies pile up.  The wife asks more probing questions until she becomes a Bob Woodward or Carl Bernstein investigating Watergate.  Eventually, the wife doubts everything the husband says, including "I love you."

Stage Three is next, the "Realism" stage.  It's here the the baseball wife fully recognizes and admits to their husband/player's indiscretions.  They can either joke about what a joke their marriages have become or get angry and mean.  They might leave and never look back.  Or they might try to take him for all he's worth: house, money, children.  By now, it becomes very hard for the marriage to survive.

In Nancy Marshall's letter to Bobbie Bouton, she brings up one additional point: Why do we assume it's the husband doing the cheating?  If he's out on the road alone, that means his better half, the wife, is at home alone.  Sometimes, although rarely, the tables are turned.  It's the baseball husband going through the three stages and the wife who's being unfaithful.  The only problem with the Stage Three husband is there isn't much to take from the wife if he leaves her.  He's the main breadwinner, generally, so he can't get her money.  And since he travels, he likely won't get custody of the kids.  Maybe he can get the house, but who wants an eight-bedroom mansion when you're newly single and away 6 months out of the year?

The kicker to Nancy's letter is Bobbie's reply.  From what you read, it's clear that Bobbie is in Stage One.  By the end of the book, she's moved on to the Realism stage and beyond.  Both marriages, if you haven't already guessed, end in divorce.

Home Games came out 26 years ago.  Do you think the scenario of the cheating baseball husband (or cheating baseball wife) still exists?  Do you think the Three Stages of an MLB Wife's Self-Actualization still pertain to a baseball marriage?  Well, if you say No to the first question and you're a baseball wife, re-read Stage One and see if you want to answer the question again.  Then find a copy of Home Games, zip up your jumpsuit, blast some Frampton Comes Alive, and start reading.