By Cassidy Dover: "How A Trade Can Get In Your Head"

The second time Ray was traded was a big deal for us.  We absolutely did not see it coming.  I was living with him, far from my family and friends, and he had to get up and go (see The Trade).  I was left behind this time because my job was too stable and too financially important to us at that time to consider anything else. At that point, I was making more money than he was.  So Ray left.  

His first game with his new team was in my hometown.  My parents felt this was the opportune time for their friends to meet Ray as well as to show off their son in law and his talents. Ray left my parents over twenty tickets to the game.  They were all so excited to go to the game and to see Ray in person.  I was glad that Ray would have family support there as he was not entirely comfortable with his new surroundings.  I was at work and was trying my best to get home to  by the bottom of the first to see how Ray was doing.  I knew it was no big deal if I missed the first as I could see the box score and see how he was doing.  This was all before the mass use of cell phones.  There were no unlimited plans and my parents hadn't bought into the cell phone idea so I couldn't call them to see how the game was doing.  Again, not a big deal.

Well I was running late that day.  I figured it would be about the third inning by the time I walked the dog and grabbed a Diet Coke, turned on the computer and got to the milb.com website.  I finally settled in and the score was 5-2.  Not good.  So I scrolled down the side bar and saw Ray had given up 5 home runs in the first.  Please re read that - 5 home runs!  I was flabbergasted.  How the heck did that happen?  

As the bottom of the third started there was a new pitcher.  Then my phone rang."Hey, Baby," Ray said.

"Hi.  What happened?!" I asked.

"I threw batting practice in the first" he said.

"OK.  But why?" I asked as if he could possibly have meant to do it and had an explanation.

"I don't know honey.  I don't know.  I think I'm done.  I don't understand how this happened.  I would throw the ball and they would hit it. Then it would land...outside the fence.  Each batter, one after the other, hit a home run," he said sounding totally dejected.

"Wow, I don't know what to say." I felt hopeless.  It's a feeling I often have as Ray's wife when things go wrong.  The times they go wrong are so few and far between that when they do happen it's as if there is parallel universe and something has gone cosmically wrong.

"Say nothing.  I just wanted to hear your voice."  Then he hung up.

I sat in shock.  What could I do?  How I could I help him?  I knew enough about baseball at that point for it to be dangerous because I believed I understood the game.  The main problem is that when your husband is a baseball player, it's not "just a game" but his living. His success and failure are an innate part of who he is.  Ray identifies himself as the person that performs on the field.  When he lets his team down, he feels totally and completely responsible. 

Often I'll see a player has a horrible game and read what people say about how he doesn't care or he should be taken out, sent down, released.  I always think, "Do people really believe that this guy went out there planning on being absolutely horrible?  Do they think that the guy walked off the field after the game and felt good about himself?"  

The problem is that too often, fans and media do believe that to some degree.  It appears, to me, that the fan and the media believe that all ballplayers are glad to collect their money and move on.  Ray isn't like that and I can't think of a player who is.  For Ray, it's a bit more personal.  He remembers his dad saving money for months to take him to ballgame.  The seats they would sit in were the nosebleed seats, but at least they were in the stadium.  Months of hard work's pay went to that one afternoon, sometimes meaning his  family would do without something else just for a magical afternoon of being there live.  So when Ray has a bad game, he knows that someone out there watching is let down. 

I finally used my "in case of emergency" contact number to his previous pitching coach.  I had told you all that we had a great relationship with Chick, but I didn't think it was my place to call him just to check in.  I'm a chatterbox so I was very careful not to abuse the phone number I had.

"Chick here," he answered.

"Hi.  this is Cassidy Dover, Ray's wife," I said to him.

"Hey, Cass, how are you?  How's Ray doing?" He asked me.

"Not good.  Apparently Ray's first game was awful.  He just called..." and I relayed what had happened.  "Here's the clubhouse number.  Chick, can you call him? He needs you right now.  I have nothing to offer."

"Say no more Cassidy my friend.  It's done.  Thank you for the call.  Don't worry.  His head will be back where it needs to be.  Trades can be hard."  Then we hung up.  

I started to think about how Ray would have to walk out after the game and meet my parents' friends.  I was praying that my mom and dad and their friends would be sensitive enough to not talk about it or to leave and meet him at a later time.  My phone rang, "Hey Cassidy, it's me, Lauri" my sister's friend said.  "I'm here at the game with the posse.  Do you want us to leave?  What would make Ray feel better?  If no one is there after the game or if we are all there?" she asked. 

Wow, I hadn't thought of that, either.  Maybe if everyone left that would make Ray feel worse! 

"What do you think Lauri?" I asked.  I like to deflect my insecurities on others.

"Well I said we should stay, go out and eat, and see what he talks about.  We don't care how he did, we just want to meet him and get to know him better."  True, unconditional love and acceptance.

"Stay" was all I could choke out with tears streaming down my face.  "Lauri, give him a hug from me please!" I said.

"You got it.  I have to tell you, Cassidy, it wasn't so bad to watch except when you could see his face.  He looked so upset with himself."

I hung up the phone feeling a million miles from the man I loved who needed me and for whom I had nothing to give of value in that moment.

After the game Ray called me back."Your family and friends are awesome.  I walked out and you would have thought I'd won the World Series.  They all cheered for me and hugged me.  Lauri gave me your hug, Thank you."  I could tell he was smiling.

We talked for a while about what had happened and Ray said, "I think I put a lot of pressure on myself and made some mistakes.  I made some good pitches they hit and some bad pitches they took advantage of.  The bright side, I threw a lot of strikes.  They were just to wood rather than to leather".  Then he said, "I know you had Chick call me.  Thank you for that.  I needed someone who knows me to call and rip me a new one, give me a better perspective, and move on.  The coach here just met me.  He came out and said, 'Make an adjustment' and I told him, 'Thanks for that.  I think I'll give it a try.'  I don't blame him, he just didn't know me well enough to move my mind from the spiral I had created in that situation.  Chick knew what to do and what to say." 

Then he said, "And after I hung up with Chick, the distance between you and I , Cass, sucks, but I know it's only physical.  You still know me and know what I need.  I can never thank you enough for that."

I, again, cried (and no, I was not pregnant).  The trade had affected each of us.  When we each tried to be strong and brave and not tell the other, we were both alone.  When we reached out to one another the best we could, we were in a better place. 

Distance can feel insurmountable if you don't turn to the ones you love and the ones you need.  Situations can quickly spiral out of control when you are thrown into a new one without anyone familiar by your side.  Whether you are a ballplayer or not, remember to tell those you love you love them.  Tell them when you need them.  Trust them to catch you and support you when you can't support yourself.  Trades can reek havoc on the player's mind for so many reasons.  It is only after he is able to see the truth - that his core foundations in his life haven't been changed, only his physical location, that one can move past the change and grow in it.  

Thanks for reading, 

Cassidy

Cassidy Dover has been a baseball wife for more than 10 years.  Her husband Ray, currently in the minor leagues, has spent part of 7 seaons in The Show.  To read more of her columns, just click HERE.  Cassidy lives somewhere in America with her daughter Sheridan.  Right now, they're probably waiting for Ray to come home.