By Cassidy Dover: "Lonely Tonight"
I'm lonely tonight. There's no other word for it.
I had a full day today. I ran from one appointment to another. It was, overall, a fun filled day. Sheridan is now in bed. I'm sitting here trying to get myself ready to sleep.
I've had more nights alone in my marriage than I've had together with Ray. It's sad, but true. I wait for his phone calls like a child awaits a night time story. I hate to go to bed without hearing his voice.
Some nights it's just not possible. With the time change Ray often finishes up his day at work long after I've fallen asleep. He'll always text me a sweet message, but it's not the same as hearing his voice.
There are nights I roll over and reach next to me. I'm in that half awake state and I've forgotten he's not here with me. If I do wake up I often get out of bed, check on Sheridan and the pets, and then go to the guest room. I don't want to be in our bed alone.
There are the nights I stay in bed, unable to find a way to fall asleep. I'll read a book, watch TV, or come to the computer to write. Those nights are often followed by a day that I'm dragging myself around. I feel sorry for Sheridan that I just don't have much to offer. She doesn't say she minds, but in all honesty, can a young child voice that to her mother?
I think that often fans forget the family that sits at home. I don't want to act as if I don't appreciate what I do have. But the one thing I don't have, and I can't have, is my spouse at my side.
Sometimes I find myself wondering what our life will be like after Ray has retired. Ray has options. There is no saying he will coach, or manage, or move to the front office. More likely though, in all honesty, he will choose one of those options. After all, when you've dedicated your entire life to something, it's hard to walk away.
We now have quite a few friends who have retired. Often, after a few months, they get that itch to go back again. When they do, they will train and hope for an opportunity to go to spring training with a team. Some end up going to independant ball, or overseas to play. The desire to be a part of a team, to compete, is too much to leave behind. When that happens the family is, once again, apart.
I'll often tell non baseball friends that I know how fortunate I am. I know I am essentially a single parent. However, I have the emotional support from my husband that my single and/or divorced friends do not. I can call Ray and tell him what Sheridan has done, and I know he'll talk to her and back me up. When we have an issue arise, whether it be financial, or with the house, or whatever it may be, I can call Ray and he cares. He does what he can from thousands of miles away. I realize I should be grateful that the distance between us is physical, but at times I'd prefer to have him by my side.
"What do you do with your time?" is a question I often get from my non-baseball friends. Outside of caring for Sheridan, I find time to work out, to organize and run our household (or households as Ray doesn't seem to always know what to do with his apartment or car or receipts while he is away) and to plan for the offseason. Again, great things to fill my time with. At the end of a long day though, I would love to have Ray do Sheridan's homework with her, get her ready for bed, and read her a story.
While I may have a lot of "me time", I don't have down time. I am the one who must be ready and waiting to meet all of Sheridan's need any time of the day or night. That can be really tiring! I'm sure you can all imagine how tiring it can be to deal with a young girl's moods and worries and not have another adult to step in.
So tonight, now that Sheridan has gone to sleep and I've made her lunch, straightened the house and have some time to think, I find myself watching Ray's team on the internet. It's a way to feel some connection to him. It also gives me an idea of when I may get to hear his voice. If you remember, I talked about how the loneliness is a main component to keeping the dream alive. If Ray and I didn't feel that his career and his success was worth all this sacrifice, then we'd become resentful of the time we are each alone. That isn't part of the dream at all.
I hope that you are sharing your night with someone you love by your side. I hope that you don't feel lonely surrounded by your wonderful life that is missing that one person you'd love to share it all with. In baseball, the family is often apart. Tonight, I'm feeling that distance.
Tonight, I'm feeling rather lonely.
Thanks for reading,
Cassidy Dover has been a baseball wife for more than 10 years. Her husband Ray, currently in the minor leagues, has spent part of 7 seaons in The Show. Cassidy lives somewhere in America with her daughter Sheridan. Right now, they're probably waiting for Ray to come home.